What you teach your child about relationships and sexuality can help them develop a safe and healthy sexuality as they grow up.
As children grow up, they develop and change in so many ways. Knowing what is ‘normal’ sexual development can help parents understand their kid’s behaviour and may provide opportunities to talk with them about keeping safe. Pre- schoolers might:
At this stage you can help develop safe and healthy sexuality by:
The tip-sheets for the various age groups have been developed using the following resources: www.secasa.com.au , www.mmsi.org.nz/images/stories/toolkit.pdf, http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/03/teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21/ and Toni Cavanagh Johnsons 'Understanding Children's Sexual Behaviors', 2010.
- Kiss or hug others
- Show or touch own genitals or masturbate as a 'comfort' habit
- Be curious about others private body parts with limited understanding of privacy needs
- Play 'doctor' games and talk about their own or others private body parts
- Use words such as 'bum', 'poo' and 'willy' freely.
At this stage you can help develop safe and healthy sexuality by:
- Encourage kids to ask before touching or hugging playmates. Make it normal to consider other people's preferences and for your children to seek permission to touch another person. You could say; 'Let's ask Joan if she would like to hug goodbye'. If Joan says 'no', then you can model alternatives to a hug, such as waving goodbye or blowing a kiss.
- Teach kids to respect each other's space. Teach your kids that "no" and "stop" are important words and should be honoured - no matter what (even in play fighting). If you feel you must intervene, do so. Be kind, and explain to the other child how important "no" is. Your child will internalize how important it is both for himself and others.
- Teach children to help others who may be in trouble. Thank your child for helping others who need help but remind them that if a grown-up needs help with anything, that it is a grown-up's job to help. Praise your child for letting you know about people who are in distress, so that the appropriate help can be provided.
- Help your child develop empathy. You can do this by showing them empathy when they are hurt. You can also help them understand how their actions might have affected another. Gently help them to understand by using language like "I know you wanted that toy, but when you hit Tama, he felt very sad. And we don't want him to feel sad because we hurt him".
- Talk to your child about their 'gut' feelings or instincts. Explain that sometimes things can make us feel scared or yucky and we don't know why. Sometimes this feeling can make us feel yukky in our tummy. Ask your child if this has ever happened for them and listen quietly while they explain. Teach your child that 'gut' feelings are often right and that if they get this gut feeling that you really want them to come and talk with you about it. Remind them that they won't ever get into trouble and you will help them decide what to do.
- Teach kids how to express their feelings to you and other safe adults. Create a safe and positive place for your child to talk to you. You do this by being interested in what they have to say and staying calm and non-judgmental.
- Never force kids to hug, touch or kiss anybody. It's important that your child has their wishes about hugging, kissing and touching other adults and children respected as well. Suggest alternatives if, for example, an elderly relative is asking for a kiss and your child is unwilling, your child could blow them a kiss or give them a high-five instead.
- Stay calm if you observe your child involved in sexual play. This may be touching their own genitals or playing 'doctor' with another child. If they are touching themselves you can stay calm and let them know that this is something to do in private. If you find two children sexually playing, this is also a good time to remind them about respecting others choices. Teach your child that when a playmate says 'Stop' or 'No' they should honour their wishes. Make sure that the kids are not too different in age or developmental level. See child to child sexual play for more information.
- Get comfortable talking about sexuality with your child. All children are curious about their (and other's) bodies and some children can become preoccupied with nudity or bathroom functions at this age. Be prepared to answer calmly and factually any questions they have. It is OK to say you are not sure but will find the answer and have it for the them tomorrow (library books can help).
- Always use the correct names for body parts when talking about private parts e.g. penis, vulva, vagina, breasts, and calmly talk about the basic facts about reproduction and how babies are born if you are asked.
- Encourage appropriate privacy. As soon as your child is old enough to wash themselves, encourage them to do so. This is a great way to encourage a sense of ownership of their body and can also be an opportunity to model consent. You can do this by asking permission to help wash your child, for example 'Can I wash your bottom now?', and responding to 'No' by saying 'Cool! Your bottom needs a wash. Here is the washcloth. Now go for it!
- Help them to understand what is appropriate behaviour. For example, you could say; 'We keep our clothes on in public. If we are nude or going to the bathroom we close the door'.
The tip-sheets for the various age groups have been developed using the following resources: www.secasa.com.au , www.mmsi.org.nz/images/stories/toolkit.pdf, http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/03/teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21/ and Toni Cavanagh Johnsons 'Understanding Children's Sexual Behaviors', 2010.