What you teach your child about relationships and sexuality can help them develop a safe and healthy sexuality as they grow up.
Knowing what is ‘normal’ sexual development can help parents understand their kid’s behaviour and may provide opportunities to talk with them about keeping safe. 5-12 year olds might:
At this stage you can help develop safe and healthy sexuality by:
This information has been developed using the following resources: www.secasa.com.au ,www.mmsi.org.nz/images/stories/toolkit.pdf, http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/03/teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21/ and Toni Cavanagh Johnsons 'Understanding Children's Sexual Behaviors', 2010.
- Touch their own bodies or hold their own genitals (usually children at this age have understood this is done in private)
- Curiosity about other kid's bodies (younger kids might play games like doctors and nurses or 'families').
- From around 10 years old, occasionally they might moon or flash with other kids of a similar age
- Be curious about sexuality (especially about gender, relationships, sexual activity and babies)
- Start using swear words, and sexual language
- Start viewing or listening to sexual content in media, for example on television or the Internet.
At this stage you can help develop safe and healthy sexuality by:
- From 5 years on, teach children how to use 'safe-words' during their play. Help them to negotiate a safe word to use if make-believe games get too rough or distressing. The 'safe-word' needs to be one they wouldn't normally use so that other children recognise it and all activity stops. It may be helpful to teach them to stop their play every now and again anyway to check in with one another. This helps kids develop the skills to be considerate about other people's happiness with what is going on, and to stop and make sure they have consent.
- Start talking with your child about sexual development. Some professionals suggest that 8 is a good age for parents to talk to their child about sex. Parents who leave space for their child to talk about the changes they are noticing in their own bodies will have a good idea when their own child is ready to have the discussion about sexual development. Before you have the talk, educate yourself first and practice the talk with a loved one. Start up a two way conversation with your child and try to stay positive and matter of fact. Try to answer any questions in a kind, calm way and use age appropriate books to help. Remember to try and keep the talk short and to revisit the topic a few times rather than overwhelming them with one big talk. You can add more age appropriate details with pre-teens and introduce the idea of consent into these conversations. Encourage them to practice kindness and respect for everyone around them so that it becomes second nature as a teenager. When talking about sex, make sure that they know that it should always be about two people who really want to do something sexual together (rather than one person getting sex from another person).
- Help your child to establish healthy boundaries, and teach them that it is OK to say 'No' anyone. Most sexual abuse is committed by individuals children know and trust. It helps to familiarize yourself with some of the tricks used by these people to breach the boundaries of a child's safety and run scenarios using these tricks to teach your child to feel more comfortable saying 'No' and telling a safe adult about what has happened. These scenarios might include one where a person in a position of authority, such as a sports coach, offers special privileges to the child that involves being alone with them. Teach your child to say; 'I need to talk to my parents about that first'. It is also helpful to discuss what privacy they should expect from people in your child's life. For example, if your child is staying over at a friend's house, it is not appropriate for the friend or an adult living in the house to come into the bathroom with them or try to touch their private parts. Sometimes perpetrators will tell children that it is normal for adults or other children to touch them and it is important for kids to know what is and isn't appropriate and what to do about it.
- Teach children that their behaviour affects others and to look for opportunities to be kind. Begin with simple examples such as noticing when other people drop litter in the park. Ask your child what they think will happen as a result, for example will someone else have to pick up the litter? Teach your child that what they do matters, and can affect other people. Remember to also talk with them about the online environment and that people online also deserve kindness.
- Don't tease children for emerging boyfriend/ girlfriend relationships. If a friendship seems like a 'crush' don't mention this instead ask open questions like, 'How is your friendship with … going?' Try not to tease or dismiss them about their or their friend's relationships (even good-naturedly). Be prepared to listen and tell your child that no matter what they are feeling, they can talk to you about it. Take the opportunity to encourage them to practice kindness and respect for everyone around them and make it clear that their desires and needs are no one's responsibility but their own.
This information has been developed using the following resources: www.secasa.com.au ,www.mmsi.org.nz/images/stories/toolkit.pdf, http://everydayfeminism.com/2013/03/teaching-kids-consent-ages-1-21/ and Toni Cavanagh Johnsons 'Understanding Children's Sexual Behaviors', 2010.