The most effective prevention is clear communication
Good communication can decrease the likelihood that a child will be vulnerable to abuse and increase the likelihood that they will tell you if it has occurred.
Some adults are afraid that if they talk with their child about preventing sexual abuse, that the child will 'lose their innocence'. Just like road safety or water safety, sexual abuse prevention can be accommodated into our everyday lives with little stress and anxiety.
Research shows that children pick up on adult's anxieties and that even though they might be surprised or slightly worried initially, that they will not have lasting anxiety as a result of your talk.
How to start talking with your child:
• Before your talk, print out the family safety plan and work out which aspects you want to cover with your child that day.
• Make time when you won't be interrupted (for half an hour or so).
• Practice talking about sexual abuse prevention with another adult so you can be calm and approachable when you talk with your child/ren. Remember you don't have to do it all at once, lots of children appreciate several short conversations, rather than a long lecture.
• You can use a children's book from the local library to help get the conversation started. It's My Body and Joey wants to know are great books to start with for younger children.
• Be as calm as possible (children can pick up on your discomfort so keep your voice warm and calm if possible).
• Find out about how to deal with a disclosure so you are prepared for anything they might tell you.
These are some key areas to address with your child:
• Make it OK to talk about. Let family members know they can ask questions during the discussion or talk privately later about any of the issues.
• Help your child learn and understand their feelings or emotions. If children are able to recognize happy as opposed to uncomfortable feelings they can relate to 'yes' touching as opposed to 'no' touching. Talk to children about 'yes' touches (those that make them feel safe, good and that they can tell anyone about) and 'no' touches (those that make them feel confused, overwhelmed, unhappy or that someone asks them to keep a secret). 'Yes' touch can make you feel happy like cuddling the cat or your favourite soft toy. 'No' touch can make you uncomfortable, like pinches or getting hit. Explain that some touching can have both a 'yes' and a 'no' feeling like when you swing too high on a swing or are tickled for too long. Let them know that if they ever get any kind of a 'no' feeling from something someone does, that you would like to know and that they will not get into trouble for telling you about it.
• Teach your child the proper names of body parts. They need to know what to call their genitals (penis, vagina, vulva, anus). Helping them have age appropriate words that help them to discuss sexual things comfortably with you can provide a pathway for discussion later. Before you talk with your child, you can practice saying 'difficult' or 'embarrassing' words out loud so that you become more comfortable using them in this discussion.
• Teach your child 'The 3 touching rules for private parts':
1. It's OK to touch your own (in private);
2. It's Not OK to touch someone else's; and
3. It's Not OK for someone else to touch yours (except a doctor/ nurse for medical issues)
(from page 8 'We Can Keep Safe' Programme Booklet, Auckland Sexual Abuse Help).
• Clarify the rules. Teach children that it is 'against the rules' for adults to act in a sexual way with children. Explain that their body is theirs alone and that if someone does something to them that gives them a 'no' feeling that they always have the right to say 'no' and to tell someone safe. If they are at a friend's house when this happens, let them know they can call you and you will pick them up, and they won't get into trouble.
• Explain about tricks. Some people who abuse children use tricks to convince children that whatever happened is somehow their fault or that if they tell anyone the abuser will hurt a pet or family member. Let your child know that sometimes these people will try and make you think it is your fault to try and trick you into not telling. You can reassure the child that, 'If anyone touches you in a way that gives you any kind of a 'no' feeling that it is never their fault. Let them know you will be there to love them and believe them.
• Explain the difference between a 'secret' and a 'surprise'. Surprises are fun and generate excitement because they will be revealed in a short time like birthday surprises or presents. Secrets exclude others, and can make children feel unhappy or worried about things that might get themselves or someone else into trouble. Teach children that they will not get into trouble if they tell a secret.
• Talk with your child about other adults they can confide in. Ask who they could talk to if you were busy or away. Explain that they can talk to these trusted adults whenever they feel scared, uncomfortable or confused about some ones else's behaviour toward them. Encourage them to tell and keep telling until someone helps.
• Answer questions respectfully and be accurate with the information you give. Use examples and situations that make reality clear, for example you might put the question; 'What if you are at a friend's place and her older brother asks you to play a game that involves touching private parts?'
• Start when they are young and use everyday opportunities to talk about sexual abuse. Even when children come to tell you about an argument with a sibling, affirm them for 'telling' even if you are not going to deal with the content of the fight ('well done for telling, I reckon you have the skills to resolve that one between you- is that true? Thank you for coming to tell me though').
Have you set up your family safety plan yet?
Click here to learn about talking with children about bodies. This link will take you to another website to watch a video...
This Tip Sheet has been compiled using the following sources; www.sexualabusehelp.org.nz, www.stopitnow.org/talking_to_kids .
Some adults are afraid that if they talk with their child about preventing sexual abuse, that the child will 'lose their innocence'. Just like road safety or water safety, sexual abuse prevention can be accommodated into our everyday lives with little stress and anxiety.
Research shows that children pick up on adult's anxieties and that even though they might be surprised or slightly worried initially, that they will not have lasting anxiety as a result of your talk.
How to start talking with your child:
• Before your talk, print out the family safety plan and work out which aspects you want to cover with your child that day.
• Make time when you won't be interrupted (for half an hour or so).
• Practice talking about sexual abuse prevention with another adult so you can be calm and approachable when you talk with your child/ren. Remember you don't have to do it all at once, lots of children appreciate several short conversations, rather than a long lecture.
• You can use a children's book from the local library to help get the conversation started. It's My Body and Joey wants to know are great books to start with for younger children.
• Be as calm as possible (children can pick up on your discomfort so keep your voice warm and calm if possible).
• Find out about how to deal with a disclosure so you are prepared for anything they might tell you.
These are some key areas to address with your child:
• Make it OK to talk about. Let family members know they can ask questions during the discussion or talk privately later about any of the issues.
• Help your child learn and understand their feelings or emotions. If children are able to recognize happy as opposed to uncomfortable feelings they can relate to 'yes' touching as opposed to 'no' touching. Talk to children about 'yes' touches (those that make them feel safe, good and that they can tell anyone about) and 'no' touches (those that make them feel confused, overwhelmed, unhappy or that someone asks them to keep a secret). 'Yes' touch can make you feel happy like cuddling the cat or your favourite soft toy. 'No' touch can make you uncomfortable, like pinches or getting hit. Explain that some touching can have both a 'yes' and a 'no' feeling like when you swing too high on a swing or are tickled for too long. Let them know that if they ever get any kind of a 'no' feeling from something someone does, that you would like to know and that they will not get into trouble for telling you about it.
• Teach your child the proper names of body parts. They need to know what to call their genitals (penis, vagina, vulva, anus). Helping them have age appropriate words that help them to discuss sexual things comfortably with you can provide a pathway for discussion later. Before you talk with your child, you can practice saying 'difficult' or 'embarrassing' words out loud so that you become more comfortable using them in this discussion.
• Teach your child 'The 3 touching rules for private parts':
1. It's OK to touch your own (in private);
2. It's Not OK to touch someone else's; and
3. It's Not OK for someone else to touch yours (except a doctor/ nurse for medical issues)
(from page 8 'We Can Keep Safe' Programme Booklet, Auckland Sexual Abuse Help).
• Clarify the rules. Teach children that it is 'against the rules' for adults to act in a sexual way with children. Explain that their body is theirs alone and that if someone does something to them that gives them a 'no' feeling that they always have the right to say 'no' and to tell someone safe. If they are at a friend's house when this happens, let them know they can call you and you will pick them up, and they won't get into trouble.
• Explain about tricks. Some people who abuse children use tricks to convince children that whatever happened is somehow their fault or that if they tell anyone the abuser will hurt a pet or family member. Let your child know that sometimes these people will try and make you think it is your fault to try and trick you into not telling. You can reassure the child that, 'If anyone touches you in a way that gives you any kind of a 'no' feeling that it is never their fault. Let them know you will be there to love them and believe them.
• Explain the difference between a 'secret' and a 'surprise'. Surprises are fun and generate excitement because they will be revealed in a short time like birthday surprises or presents. Secrets exclude others, and can make children feel unhappy or worried about things that might get themselves or someone else into trouble. Teach children that they will not get into trouble if they tell a secret.
• Talk with your child about other adults they can confide in. Ask who they could talk to if you were busy or away. Explain that they can talk to these trusted adults whenever they feel scared, uncomfortable or confused about some ones else's behaviour toward them. Encourage them to tell and keep telling until someone helps.
• Answer questions respectfully and be accurate with the information you give. Use examples and situations that make reality clear, for example you might put the question; 'What if you are at a friend's place and her older brother asks you to play a game that involves touching private parts?'
• Start when they are young and use everyday opportunities to talk about sexual abuse. Even when children come to tell you about an argument with a sibling, affirm them for 'telling' even if you are not going to deal with the content of the fight ('well done for telling, I reckon you have the skills to resolve that one between you- is that true? Thank you for coming to tell me though').
Have you set up your family safety plan yet?
Click here to learn about talking with children about bodies. This link will take you to another website to watch a video...
This Tip Sheet has been compiled using the following sources; www.sexualabusehelp.org.nz, www.stopitnow.org/talking_to_kids .
